


Souffle's Poetry Day Creations

by soufflegirl91



Series: Souffle's 007 Fest 2020 Fancreations [53]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Humour, M/M, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Poetry, fluff and huour, me reading my own poetry because more points, no eggs were harmed in the making of these poems, three different styles of poetry because I'm just that Extra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/pseuds/soufflegirl91
Summary: 1) They Went on a Mission to France (in the style of Edward Lear)2) Courgette (a ballad. No courgettes were harmed in the making of this poem)3) My Agent's Nose (a sonnet)
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: Souffle's 007 Fest 2020 Fancreations [53]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809892
Comments: 16
Kudos: 9
Collections: 007 Fest Fancreations





	1. They Went On A Mission To France

**Author's Note:**

> To celebrate Poetry Day and the end of 007 Fest, I have written and recorded these delights for your eyes and ears.
> 
> This chapter meets the "there was only one bed!" square on the Trope prompt table and completes the trope prompt table. 
> 
> This work also completes scavenger hunt #29 - Create and perform a Bond-themed song, rap or poem. 
> 
> The structure of this poem is modelled on The Jumblies by Edward Lear.

## Streaming Audio

## Downloads

  * [MP3](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/7t7TBESQmBBnybVAHBQKcPDfjNLVtfYs) | **Size:** 4.4 MB | **Duration:** 03:49
  * [Podbook](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/7t7TBESQmBBnybVAHBQKcPDfjNLVtfYs) | **Size:** 4.4 MB | **Duration:** 03:49

  
---  
  
They went on a mission to France, they did,  
To France, they went, and flew!  
Though Q glanced at the plane and muttered.  
"The train is just as quick," he uttered  
To France, they went, and flew!  
And when they faced a long delay,  
And Q cried out "well, I did say!"  
Poor James just thought, and rolled his eyes,  
'What did I do to deserve this prize?!'  
To France, they take a flight.

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
James listened to Q's rants.  
He did not stop the whole damn time  
_ _They waited to fly to France._

They went on a mission to France, they did,  
And soon the plane took off!  
With a roar of engines, reached the air,  
Though Q pretended not to be scared,  
James laughed, under a cough.  
Q glared at him with all his might;  
Poor James, it made his pants grow tight!  
Q knew James found his ire exciting,  
And soon Q's soft lips James was biting.  
The people near them scoffed!

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
They stopped sometimes to pant.   
Yes, they made out the whole damn time  
They were on that flight to France.  _

The plane, before long, descended, it did,  
The pair were on their way!  
Off to thwart the newest bad guy's plan,  
Though Q thought this idea was bland,  
They went, to save the day!  
A bomb, defused by Q onsite:  
Poor James, frowned at the lost limelight.  
Q scoffed at him and cried out with glee:  
"At last, you know what it's like for me!"  
James' sulk, it did not sway.

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
Now James reversed their dance  
For he complained the whole damn time  
They were on the ground in France.  _

The pair had to stay overnight, they did,  
The room had just one bed!  
James glanced at it and waggled his brows,  
Though Q just shook his head with a frown.  
"This can't be right," he said,  
"I booked a twin, I'm sure I did!"  
Now James, no longer sulking, slid  
Beneath the satiny sheets, while Q,  
Ever oblivious, missed his cue,  
'Til James' pants hit his head.

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
So much for big romance!  
I nstead, they fucked the whole damn time  
They were in that bed, in France. _

They slept in and missed their alarm, they did,  
And then left in a rush!  
As they got dressed, James flirted and smiled  
Though Q, eyes rolling, called him a child.   
“Stop that, I will not blush,”  
He grouched, pretending not to stare  
At James, because his abs were bare.   
Before too long, they had to go  
But at the airport, check-in was slow;  
The queue became a crush!

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
_ _ To talk, there was no chance.  
_ _ Stuck in a crowd, the whole damn time,  
_ _ Waiting to fly home from France.  _

They got into trouble on board, they did,  
And James was rather proud!   
Yes, he thought planes were good for a tryst,  
Though Q is the one who caused this twist  
Because he was too loud.   
The mile high club is not ideal,  
If James’ attention makes you squeal.  
The tiny loo was ever so cramped,  
Though their arousal couldn’t be damped.  
Somehow there was no crowd.

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
_ _ A knock, and they both blanched!  
_ _ Poor Q, he blushed the whole damn time,  
_ _ For the rest of that flight from France. _

They went on a mission to France, they did,  
To France, they went, and flew!  
Before they went, no one was aware  
The two ‘colleagues’ were really a pair,  
But now, everyone knew!  
When they got frogmarched off the plane  
An angry M made them explain.  
The rumour mill started going mad  
When they found out that Q had been bad,  
And got caught in that loo!

_ Moan and whine, moan and whine,  
The pair exchanged a glance  
As M complained the whole damn time  
They debriefed for that mission in France.  _


	2. Courgette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the 2017 Fest anon prompt - Q should have known that the one time he'd be out buying a courgette Bond would stroll into the store and make the whole thing horribly suggestive. 00Q

## Streaming Audio

## Downloads

  * [MP3](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/1gt4aP7kMGBhbWBnkrn8womiJGW63Ma7) | **Size:** 2.6 MB | **Duration:** 02:23
  * [Podbook](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/1gt4aP7kMGBhbWBnkrn8womiJGW63Ma7) | **Size:** 2.6 MB | **Duration:** 02:23

  
---  
  
When heading out to Tesco on   
That windy winter’s day.   
Q never had expected what   
James Bond would have to say.

He really should have thought ahead   
And done an online order.   
As soon as he picked up courgettes,   
Who should come round the corner?!

“Why Q,” said Bond, with cheeky grin,   
“Who thought that I would see this?   
You do shop like a human and   
Buy veg shaped like a penis!”

Q blushed and wished the floor would part   
And take him straight to hell.   
Enough he had a crush on Bond,   
Now there was this as well?!

“Now tell me, did you buy a squash,   
Or aubergines instead?”   
He named more phallic vegetables;   
Q started blushing red. 

“Look Bond,” he said, with false disdain,   
“If you’re so damn obsessed,   
Why don’t you come to my house and   
We’ll put them to the test?”

It’s not the way he had first planned   
To ask Bond out to dinner,   
But things worked out the way they did,   
Q almost was the winner.

He made Bond ratatouille with   
Some crusty bread and wine.   
The conversation didn’t stop   
The whole time they did dine.

For pudding, Q gave Bond a wink   
And started warming custard.   
He gave Bond a banana with   
A grin that made him flustered. 

They snickered into their dessert   
Until their bowls were clean.   
Then Bond turned back to Q and smiled,   
His blue eyes sure did gleam.

Q started thinking of of his bed.   
Had he got fresh pyjamas?   
Or anything for breakfast that   
Wasn’t a banana?

“Well, Q, this was delicious, but   
I must be getting off.   
You see, I have a mission and   
If I’m late, M will scoff.”

Q frowned and cursed his meddling job!   
Ok, inventing rocked,   
But now he was stuck with time off   
Only to be cockblocked!

This ends our tale of Q’s courgette.   
It didn't get much use.   
The euphemistic one, I mean:   
No veg up his caboose!

Perhaps one day, I’ll tell the tale,   
Maybe I'll make part two:   
They shagged a lot eventually   
In fact, the whole night through. 

But this is not that day, you see:   
Poor Q was stuck with wanking.   
While you’re stuck with an epilogue,   
And poet who needs thanking. 


	3. My Agent's Nose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine this as Drunk!Q ripping off Shakespeare's Sonnet 130 (My lady's eyes are nothing like the sun...)

## Streaming Audio

## Downloads

  * [MP3](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/FFzXRZGdCXQL9eIaUFa5wvN4nmCSgTa2) | **Size:** 1.1 MB | **Duration:** 01:00
  * [Podbook](https://audio.jukehost.co.uk/FFzXRZGdCXQL9eIaUFa5wvN4nmCSgTa2) | **Size:** 1.1 MB | **Duration:** 01:00

  
---  
  
My agent’s nose is nothing like a clown;   
The sky is far more blue than his eyes’ blue;   
If breath were sweet, why then his makes me frown;   
No laughter bright, his honking starts anew.   
I have seen ‘taters mottled, brown and white,  
No better ‘tater see I than this chap.   
And in some ears you could take more delight,   
Than in his ears, which in the wind do flap.   
I love to hear him sing, yet well I know:   
He cannot hold a tune to save his life.   
I grant I never a saw an agent go   
And break my kit, to cause me so much strife.    
And yet, I know, I could not live without,   
This man, although this sonnet makes him pout. 


End file.
